I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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