I met the friendliest cop last night
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
You're like the curious george of whores
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
