ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
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