Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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