Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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