i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
