Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
