this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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