Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
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