the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize
