I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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