I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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