The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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