just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
our cab driver is having phone sex.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
