You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
You left your phone here
Wait...
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