so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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