Please, let me fuck your mom
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
