You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
