I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
