Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
