You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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