So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
