So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
