i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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