i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Randomize
