just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
