And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
