i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
