I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
