I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
