I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
