I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
