dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
