Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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