I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Randomize
