It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
