Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
