We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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