there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
