Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
