there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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