TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
