I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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