Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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