Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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