hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
