Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
