i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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