I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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