just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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